We often talk about the lighthouse model of emotional states and how it forms the backbone of our lumin&us® app for parents. What exactly is it? How does it work? Most importantly, how does it help your family? This parent’s guide has it all.
Our guide to the Lighthouse Model will help you deep-dive into three important emotional states – SAFE, STRUGGLING and DROWNING. Learn about the neuroscience behind them, and see how the Lighthouse Model is combined with play therapy in the lumin&us® app to help you support and calm your anxious child – both in moments of stress, and over time for an increased sense of family wellbeing and connection.
The lumin&us® app: a recap
Our therapist-designed and NHS-approved lumin&us® app is a handy tool for parents and professionals seeking to ease the anxiety of children in their care. It improves family wellbeing and relationships by helping adults and children explore the connection between thoughts, feelings and behaviours. As a parent you can use the app to see where your child (and you!) fit into the lighthouse model.
It’s normal and expected for both adults and children to regularly move between the three states of SAFE, STRUGGLING and DROWNING as they respond to others, their environment and various events throughout the day. However, the aim is always to return to a state of feeling SAFE. The app offers simple and engaging play activities to help you and your child return to a state of feeling SAFE while supporting families to build and strengthen relationships.
As your gut instinct might tell you, STRUGGLING and DROWNING states mean we need some support. However, it’s not always easy to recognise these states in our children. It can be especially difficult if we, as caregivers, are in a state of STRUGGLING or DROWNING ourselves.
The lighthouse model for parents and children – how SAFE are you feeling today?
The tables below give examples of the SAFE, STRUGGLING and DROWNING emotional states for both children and you, the parent.
See at a glance how the different emotional states in the lighthouse model can affect your thoughts, feelings, behaviours and even your body.
We also share example scenarios or situations where the emotional state might take place, and outline the possible impact on your family relationship or level of parent/child connection.
IMPORTANT: You and your child will regularly move from one emotional state to another. That’s where the lumin&us@ app comes in! It’s designed to help the whole family return to a SAFE state quickly, with the aim to help SAFE become the norm not the exception!
Your CHILD’s emotional state – lighthouse model
Child
SAFE
STRUGGLING
DROWNING
Thoughts
I feel great, interested. I like being with you. I’m excited and want more.
I need to move. I am scared. This is too much. NO. Keep away from me. Or I need to have someone I trust close to me.
No one cares or understands. No one will help. I can’t think what to do next. I musn’t feel.
Feelings
Comfortable, confident, happy, calm.
Scared, angry, uncomfortable.
Alone, invisible, numb, hopeless.
Behaviours
Alert, focussed, relaxed, engaged, playful, curious, trusting.
Constantly on the look out. Needing someone all the time. Noisy, fidgety, on the go. Aggressive. Self-harm. Stubborn.
Day dreaming. Clumsy. Shutdown. Hard to engage with.
Body cues
Relaxed muscles, able to be still or active in proprtion to situation. Steady heart rate. Colour in cheeks healthy. Comfortable with touch.
Tension in muscles, need to move, breathing shallower and faster and heart rate faster. Hunger drops and less likely to be able to process what hear and see.
Body feels heavy or disconnected. Some children struggle to eat and lose sense of connection with body.
Environments / Situations
Anywhere! The crucial ingredient is being in connection with others who make you feel safe.
Home, school, noisy or overwhelming places. Anywhere where the environment or people make a child feel unsafe. Sleep issues.
Anywhere where the child is overwhelmed and feels there isn’t a connection to safety or trust with someone. This can happen when attempts to help oneself or get others to help haven’t been understood.
Impact on parent
Enjoying their child’s company, the parent feels good about their self as a parent. If parent also feels safe, parent and child are likely to be very much in the here and now together.
Parent feels heightened and on alert, feeling a need to mobilise in case the child’s behaviour escalates. They feel anxious and worried about their ability to manage.
Parent feels concerned that a child is not connecting authentically, but feeling shut down when they do try to connect, which can lead to frustration.
More on your child’s emotional state and feeling SAFE…
A child who feels SAFE will enjoy spending time with you. They will be comfortable, confident, happy and calm with themselves and others. They will be relaxed, able to focus and concentrate, curious and open to new experiences.
When in a safe state, children can easily engage in play and playful exchanges. They look for connection with the adults they trust and can have calm exchanges with other children and adults. They will have colour in their cheeks and a spark in their eyes. Children who feel safe may find they can laugh easily, and will be comfortable in their own skin.
They may experience fewer friendship issues, will seek out other children who also have experience of feeling safe, and will likely feel comfortable asking for help when they are struggling.
You can use the information above to think about how your child is feeling, and what might be affecting them. What can you do to help?
A PARENT’s emotional state – lighthouse model
Parent
SAFE
STRUGGLING
DROWNING
Thoughts
I feel clear-headed, present, and capable. I know what matters to me. It feels enjoyable to be with others.
I’m unsure what’s going on, and feel overwhelmed or anxious. I second-guess myself or others.
Nothing helps. I’m stuck. I can’t think straight or make decisions. I feel disconnected from what I need or who can help.
Feelings
Calm, confident, grounded, open.
Irritable, anxious, afraid, easily triggered.
Numb, hopeless, invisible, or ashamed.
Behaviours
Engaged, warm, able to listen and respond, focused, playful or productive.
Withdrawn or restless, tense, reactive, over-explaining, needing reassurance or control.
Shut down, hard to reach, zoned out, avoiding or disengaging from tasks and relationships.
Body cues
Steady breathing, relaxed muscles, natural energy levels. Body feels at ease.
Tense shoulders, tight chest, shallow breath, racing heart. May feel “on edge” or like everything is “too much”. Sleep not restful.
Body feels heavy or distant, appetite and energy drop, sense of self becomes blurred or distant. Sleep not restorative.
Environments / Situations
In spaces and relationships where you feel seen, valued and safe to be yourself.
At work, home, or in social spaces that feel unpredictable, high-pressure, or emotionally unsafe.
Anywhere that feels isolating or where repeated disconnection or misunderstanding has occurred.
Impact on child
Others – including child – more likely to feel connected to you and enjoy being with you. You’re present and responsive in your relationships.
Child may feel uncertain, on alert, or like they need to tread carefully around you.
Child may worry about your withdrawal or feel helpless or unsure how to reach you, sometimes misinterpreting your distance.
When both parent and child feel SAFE…
They are able to enjoy spending time with one another. They are able to laugh, be silly and experience deep connection.
Parents and children in a shared state of safety can communicate with one another without shouting, and are able to listen to what is being said.
When both the child and the adult are feeling safe, spending quality time together, learning new things and having new experiences can strengthen and deepen the relationship.
The more opportunity a child has to spend time in deep connection with a caregiver, the easier they will find it to return to a state of feeling safe.
When a parent is STRUGGLING…
It can be difficult for a child to feel safe when a parent is STRUGGLING.
An adult who is struggling will feel ‘on edge’ or anxious and will likely find it difficult to relax. This may be particularly true if their child is also in a struggling state. They may be questionning their ability to parent their child.
Parent / child exchanges will often feel tense. The parent may be worried about their child’s behaviours, and the child may be anxious about how their parent will react.
When a parent feels SAFE…
You feel like you can spread your wings, like a seagull high above the lighthouse!
If you are in a safe state, you may enjoy spending time with others. You will be engaged, warm, able to be present and responsive.
You will be emotionally available and open with others, such as your children. You will feel able to respond appropriately to the situation and environment calmly and confidently. Being playful will come naturally.
Taking small but mighty steps to meet emotional needs
Using neuroscience and the tools and resources used by family therapists, lumin&us® takes the guesswork out of understanding your child’s behaviours, making it easier to meet their emotional needs and avoid meltdowns and tantrums. In-app surveys for both adults and children help you identify both your own and your child’s state. The app then recommends play-based games, activities and tips based on your child’s emotional state and their needs at the time.
It’s good to know what the issue is, but we think it’s even better to help you feel empowered as a parent to take small but mighty steps towards your family well-being goal. The app is designed to help you do just that – it’s like a wise friend with a therapy degree in your pocket, on call 24/7.
The lighthouse model of emotional states is based on neuroscience…
We did say we’d come onto the science bit in this guide!
Have you ever heard of a Dr. Stephen Porges? Well, now you have. He developed the Polyvagal Theory, which describes the relationship between three things that relate to both a parent and child’s wellbeing:
- Autonomic nervous system
- Social behaviour
- Feelings of safety
When these three things work together, you and your child are able to feel safe and confident. When they’re at odds with each other, you and your child can feel uneasy, and struggle with your environment, yourself and each other.
If we just focus on the autonomic nervous system for a moment, it has three main states, which can shape our response to stress and social situations:
- VENTRAL VAGAL STATE – SOCIAL ENGAGEMENT
- SYMPATHETIC STATE – FIGHT OR FLIGHT
- DORSAL VAGAL STATE – FREEZE
We’re qualified to help. It’s our mission to help families like yours.
The neuroscience behind the app builds on this. When children have a strong, loving and trusting relationship with their caregiver(s), they are able to engage in social situations and with their environment in a calm and emotionally confident way. They feel SAFE. If a child feels uncertain about their situation, environment or an event or person they will likely be in a state of fight or flight. This is a STRUGGLING state. And, if a child’s needs are left unmet, they will slip into a state of DROWNING. They will feel frozen, locked, and unable to see a next step to take, or find a solution to their struggles.
As qualified social workers, educators and Theraplay®, family and mental health therapists with years of experience working with families, we have a strong understanding of children and how therapeutic play can help calm your anxious child and help you strengthen family connections. We’ve worked with all kinds of families including adoptive families, neurodivergent families, and families impacted by trauma including loss, bereavement, or resettling. We know how painful it can be for parents who see their child’s stress and discomfort, and yearn for increased connection with their struggling child in order to help their child feel more confident and safe, but feel at a loss when it comes to figuring out how to help that connection grow. If you are experiencing parental burnout, you are not alone.
Activities on the lumin&us® app can build a child’s confidence, trust and emotional regulation
We understand how different therapeutic games and activities have different benefits to help your anxious child thrive. Some games support caregivers to soothe, calm and comfort children who are struggling. Other games provide opportunities for excitement, silliness and laughter. Others explore following guidance and instructions in a playful way. All the activities proposed on the app are designed by therapists to help you support your child in whatever emotional state they are currently experiencing, taking into account everything from confidence-building to emotional regulation and exploring boundaries in a safe way.
Would you like to try the lumin&us® app and see for yourself?
You can use the standard version of the lumin&us® app for free. You can also enjoy the premium version for up to 12 months if you share your thoughts to help us evolve the app through the lumin&us® research trials.
The lumin&us® app was created in tandem with Beacon Family Services as Beacon Service Resources. You can read more about the story of lumin&us® – just click the link for our blog!
We hope this parents guide to the lighthouse model of emotional states has helped you as a parent to feel a little more supported in understanding your child’s big emotions, and to feel a bit more empowered in taking steps to strengthen your connection and wellbeing as a family.
